Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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