so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
