In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
