Ambien. No doubt about it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
