Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
