oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
