how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
