I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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