My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
