ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
