My cat gives me a boner
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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