i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize