I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
