Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize