All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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