Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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