Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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