I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
