Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
