i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
