you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
