M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
