ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
