Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
