Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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