I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
