OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
