im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
