the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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