I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
