i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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