the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
