it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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