My underwear smells like fireworks.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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