what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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