Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
