I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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