I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
