I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
