I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
