my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
