I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
