I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
