You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
