Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
