Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize