I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
