What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
