What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
