Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am naked and annoyed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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