we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
