Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
