my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
