when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
