i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize