You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
