You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
