he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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