you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just found a bag of teeth...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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