Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
