Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
