Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
