Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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