My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
