I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
