so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You took a bar mat shot.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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